Weekends are kinda hard...

Hello Friends,

Today is Sunday the 10th. This weekend has been a variety of emotions for me. Happy, Sad, Strong (I can anything), Weak (I can do nothing), sometimes just wanting to give up and go home and other times of basking in the sun Thanking God for His Goodness and Mercy. One of the things I was diagnosed with on Thursday was Major Depression and GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was really embarrassed about that and I am still am. My eyes tear up each time I think about it. Mental illness is a hard thing to talk about, to deal with, and to treat. But really for me, I think it hurts my pride more than anything. I am so embarrassed by this diagnosis. It was not what I wanted or expected to hear. Really I didn't, but when I read the books and look at the report from the doctor there it is in black and white. I have started on a new medication that is supposed to help with these disorders and also will have a psychiatrist to follow up with at home.
If I think about it, it's no wonder I am in need of some help. My best friend was brutally murdered, we had to close my husband's dream business, we filed a bankruptcy, lost our house, our car, left our church, was sued by a former minister/friend of the church, and are now going through a painful separation. I think maybe a lot of people would be a bit depressed by that. Then add in brittle diabetes, unexplained pain, lots of meds, and a teen-ager and a preschooler. No wonder I can't work. My brain is just jumping from thing to thing without quitting or quieting. And I have lived in this condition for a long time now. But somehow the sun still shines, the flowers still bloom, I still laugh at funny jokes and am proud of my kids. There are times I feel God's gentle voice leading me and guiding me and times when it is just blackness. But in the blackness if I take a step the light seems to come. If I stay still and am fearful to move, then it is a black day indeed. I am sure as doctors find the answers we seek, and I find hope in my Lord again, the black days will disappear all together.
The bible says that the truth is what sets us free..so I accept the fact that I am here in search of answers and the right medications for my body and even answers I don't want to hear, but the truth is that Jesus died on the cross so I would be healed. The bible says in Isaiah "By His stripes, they were healed". Sometimes the truth is ugly but once we face it, it can become a fact and a new truth will take it's place.
We went to church today at the Mayo Clinic Hospital. They have a small chapel and services at 10 am on Sundays. The chaplain was very good and his words were gentle and hopeful. He gave me a lot to think about today..one of the major things I have had to deal with is abandonment. I have been left by two husbands, I feel abandoned by family that didn't want to help me get here, I feel abandoned when ever I open the door to let that feeling overtake me. It can lead to that dark place. So today at church I really got a picture of me as a child that has lost its way and the fear that comes with it. And maybe the fact is that I get lost as easy as I get abandoned. And I need to come to the truth that if I let go of my hurts and fears I will be able to reach out to God and let Him lead me in the way I should go.
I know heavy thoughts for today..but I guess somedays are just like that. I will post again later cause I do have some funnies to share, but this post doesn't seem appropiate.
Thank you for your love, prayers, support and understanding...I know you are out there!
Love,
becca